By David Line

Published in the January 2023 Issue of Memento Mori  

Interments, burials, placements, services… whatever your location calls them, they are what cemeteries do; but we don’t always handle them the appropriate way and can lose out on a great deal of opportunities as a result. In my home state of Wisconsin, there is an anti-combo law that requires funeral homes to operate separately from cemeteries. This means we must build relationships with many funeral homes and directors throughout the state. As funeral professionals, we know and understand the laws, but families do not; so they are often left confused as to why they need to visit with separate funeral entities. Having a consistent structure to your first call is vital to providing a gratifying funeral planning experience for the grieving families you are meeting with while setting up your cemetery for future sales success.  

When the Call Comes in  

Families trust us to help provide closure after their loved one passes away. The cemetery is the last place their loved one will ever be, so we want them to have confidence in us and the cemetery their loved one is being laid to rest in. To build their confidence, we need to be confident when meeting with them, which is achieved through proper and consistent preparation and follow through. 

“Your ordinary day is their extraordinary day.” This is a great line that the Marcus Corporation instills within their employees so they can always remember to provide topnotch service. This is just as true for us in funeral services; but in reverse. Your ordinary day is their awful day.  

Yet compassion fatigue is a real thing that most funeral professionals suffer from at some point. When dealing with grieving families daily, it is easy to forget that this is a unique and awful experience for (most) families we meet with.  

This is why I always make sure to train our family service counselors to offer their condolences when first greeting families. It is so easy to forget to offer condolences, but it can set the tone for the entire experience a family has at your establishment. Condolences must be sincere and heartfelt. Counselors and staff should slow down, put the pen and computer mouse down, offer condolences, and create a forum for families to tell stories about their loved one. 

Set the Expectations 

Funeral planning can get confusing if this is the first time families are going through the process. Especially in an anti-combo state, such as Wisconsin, the consumer rarely understands the divide between funeral homes and cemeteries. This added inconvenience and stress (and cost) creates more steps in the process, which is already confusing. However, explaining the importance of why you are meeting will help them better understand the process.  

Confirm the location of burial with the family regardless of whether they state they “know where the location is” or not. Perspectives on burial locations can change over the years and while families may remember or even if they visited the site immediately prior to the meeting, there are important items to point out when at the burial location. 

The last thing any family or cemeterian wants is for the family to arrive and have the impression that a different location was supposed to have been prepared. Furthermore, visiting the interment space allows you the opportunity to ask key questions that will help garner sales opportunities. 

When driving or walking to the final resting place, you can choose whether to have the family ride in your vehicle or ride separately. You may choose to ride separately to avoid any liability concerns, but you are missing valuable time where you could build rapport with the family and learn about the decedent. If you choose to have them ride with you, it is critical to keep your car clean and smelling nice. The short car conversation can give you memorial design ideas as you ask about the decedent. Do not use this time to talk about yourself or the business, unless you are asked directly. 

The best salespeople are detectives. Our job is to ask questions and listen, which is why we should be asking these important questions when performing a verification with families: 

  1. Is this the correct interment space? Often the answer to this question is obvious as the decedent’s name may be memorialized on a pre-need memorial or there is a crypt/niche front installed; but that is not always the case. When families have multiple spaces with no memorials, it is important to identify, in person, which space they would like to use. Families may have no idea how to proceed, so you can provide them with guidance on what most people do, or you can ask questions about their family dynamic that can help make sense of the layout. Ask questions and find out what layout is best suited for the family unless your cemetery has strict guidelines on the locations of burials.

Note: Have the next of kin sign a document stating whether they verified the space through an interment site inspection. As stated before, we must always take families out to verify the correct space whether it is hot, cold, rain, or shine. Wrongful burials are a massive headache for all parties involved, so it is our responsibility to ensure they do not happen.  

Identifying and flagging or coning the grave space ahead of time makes it easy to locate when the ground’s crew takes the first step to verify the correct location of the decedent with the family. Aside from making it easier to identify the correct space, the identification serves as a way to prevent wrongful burials. If the identifier is in one space and your paperwork indicates the space is elsewhere, then this should prompt the grounds supervisor to get in touch with the office to clarify which is the correct space.  

  1. One thing we need to discuss is memorialization (the stone), is that something your family has given any thought to? Most families have never gone through this process, and they are looking for guidance. A memorial stone is part of the funeral planning process and they are certainly thinking about it, so this is the perfect time to start the conversation.

If a memorial has been pre-planned and installed prior to a death, then a picture for the office records is obtained and the cost for etching the final date of death is obtained. If there is no memorial installed, then there is a sales opportunity and the staff should be prepared to present and sell a memorial during the first call appointment.  

Depending on your market, you may have aggressive memorial vendors to compete with, so it is important to get ahead of the competition to make families aware that your cemetery can assist them with purchasing a memorial. If your cemetery does not offer this service, you should absolutely consider offering it out of convenience for the families you meet with and the revenue of the park you work at. Below are a few responses you may get from the family: 

  • “Yes, that is something we would like to look at today.” 
  • “We would like to do this, but can we handle this at a different time?” 
  • “No, we are not interested.” 

Respect the family’s wishes and do not apply too much pressure on the first call. If they would like to discuss it at a different time, then you can easily schedule an aftercare and sell a memorial then. If they would like to discuss the memorial in the first call, then ask design questions while you are on the grounds so your job is easier back in the office. Here are some basic design questions you can ask, keeping in mind your cemetery/section rules and regulations: 

  • Do you prefer a memorial that is flush or stands upright? 
  • Bronze or granite? 
  • Are there any colors in the area that stand out to you? 
  • Did your loved one have a favorite color that we can try and match? 
  • If they prefer an upright, would you lean toward smooth, polished sides or rocky sides for a more rustic look? 
  • Do you like frosted panels or no panels? 
  • What kind of hobbies did your [relative] have that you would like to memorialize? 
  • What would you like your loved one to be remembered for? 

You will notice these are all “this or that” (alternative choice) questions versus “yes or no” questions. Yes or no questions can leave you with a lack of definitive answers. There are an endless number of options when it comes to memorial design; asking questions will make it easier to narrow down these options before throwing an extensive emblem book at the family.  

Consider having a memorial design ready for the family to view, which will speed along the design process. If there is an opportunity to read an obituary prior to the first call, many details for the design can be obtained from learning more about the person who passed away. If an obituary is not available, searching for the deceased on Facebook or other social media can also tell a story about who that person was; however, this also can help you understand more about the deceased to be able to better prepare for the first call meeting. 

  1. I would be remiss if I did not ask, there is space in the nearby area, is it important for you to have a final resting place near your [relative]? Their responses will be similar to the ones I had mentioned when discussing memorialization. These conversations should be had right now, while this is the focus. You are doing families a disservice if you choose to ignore these questions at this important time.

Whether they want to discuss their pre-need arrangements now or in the future, you are at least making them aware that they will need to make these decisions at some point and that most people make these decisions when they have experienced a loss. By asking this question, you will get a proper gauge on their interest level and you will know how to proceed with them going forward. 

Asking these questions when performing lot verification is not optional; they must be asked with every at-need family you meet with. Being consistent will help your confidence grow when asking these questions and will result in more pre-need property sales along with lowering the amount of memorials you lose to outside vendors.  

Furthermore, these questions will save you time spent on trying to reach out to the family for future appointments when you can have all their arrangements sewn up between the first call and aftercare meetings.  

Start the Paperwork 

When speaking with the family, make sure they are meeting with you well in advance of the service date to give your grounds crew enough time to prepare the interment space. At our cemeteries, we require families to meet with us at least 24 hours in advance during the spring and summer months, while requiring 48 hours during winter months, as we may need to heat a gravesite before preparing. While it is good to have firm guidelines in place, flexibility should be practiced to accommodate certain situations.  

Some family service counselors may choose to have much of the paperwork completed ahead of time to expedite the process, but I would caution against that. Families are providing us with details to have human remains laid to rest; and many times, the details can change as the meeting progresses. Completing the paperwork ahead of time requires careful review of each item line by line to confirm that all details are correct.  

Normally, the person you are meeting with has the authority to sign off on the decedent being laid to rest; but that is not always the case. In many scenarios, the decedent is the owner of the space or the next of kin is the lot owner, but that must be confirmed. If neither of those is the case, then you will need to get permission from the correct authority to proceed with the interment. Include a signature line on your paperwork to get the go ahead.  

What sort of details should your authorization paperwork include? Start by listing the demographic basics and the requirements that your state may have for what needs to be recorded permanently on file. As a cemetery, we are curators of family history so having details about someone being laid to rest in your cemetery builds value and confidence in what we do as a cemetery.  

Following some of the basics, it can be immensely helpful to list whether the person was a military veteran, which also might be required. This will let you know if you need to prepare for military honors along with additional veteran-specific services your cemetery may offer.  

Veteran status can simplify memorialization, as honorably discharged veterans with a DD-214 will qualify for a free government memorial. Having that information, you can also provide an identical memorial for a spouse, assuming the spouse is not also a veteran.  

Finalize the Service 

Next, you can hash out some of the details regarding the service. What is the date, day, and time of the service and how long will they need to utilize your facilities? If your cemetery has a chapel, will the family be using the chapel, or will everything take place graveside? Will they be meeting at your office, or will they be arriving in procession?  

If your cemetery has multiple entrances, which entrance will the procession be arriving through? Are there any specific cultural ceremonies that need to be observed, e.g., some cultures prefer to have some dirt next to an interment space along with shovels so they can take part in the initial steps of closing an interment space.  

Will there be clergy present to perform the committal or would they like a cemetery representative to lead a service? If they would like a cemetery representative to say a few words, you may want to consider having a prayer book made with different poems and prayers ready for the family to select from. Anything pertaining to the decedent being laid to rest should be documented on the form to avoid any confusion regarding the service or work that needs to be done for the decedent. Having all of this in one place can avoid anything being forgotten or mistakes being made. 

You should have families acknowledge whether they will witness their loved ones’ remains being placed in their final resting place. This lets the ground crew know whether there will be an audience for the interment. Even the best ground crews make mistakes, and the interment process can be a clumsy one. If a misstep takes place, they can cause irreparable emotional damage to families while they are at your cemetery trying to find closure.  

Mistakes during an interment can lead to litigation, which all team members need to be aware of. You may want to keep witnessed services to a minimum. When presenting this part of an authorization with a family, I will phrase it in an assumptive way: “Typically families will not witness their loved one being laid to rest; I just need you to sign here acknowledging that.” We still have the occasional witness service, but this phrasing can help decrease the number of witnessed services. 

Require Aftercare  

Setting an aftercare appointment is the foundation for a strong pre-need program and can secure the stability of the cemetery for generations to come. This should be a separate line item on the authorization paperwork. By having it as a permanent, visible fixture on a document, it helps to build value behind setting the appointment as opposed to only verbally asking to set it.  

Consistent scripting can aid in setting an aftercare appointment; otherwise, the next of kin may not see the benefit of having to visit with you again. The following script has helped increase the family service counselor’s ability to set aftercares: 

Typically, two or three days after we lay your [relative] to rest, we will visit you for an aftercare. At the aftercare, we will answer any questions your family has between now and the service, review essential information about the park, along with what our relationship looks like moving forward, and tie up any loose ends we may have. Given that the service is Tuesday, that would put our aftercare on either Thursday or Friday. Which day works better for you? 

Never ask if they would like to have the meeting, rather, ask which day it will be. Make aftercare a requirement, not an option. During the first call, we do not want to overburden people with excessive information that they may forget during this challenging time. Aftercare allows us to delve deeper into the pre-need discussion along with reviewing memorial design options in a more relaxed setting. During the first call, the focus should be on what is necessary for immediate service.  

Aftercare is a terrific opportunity to obtain referrals. Now that they have planned a funeral, most people will begin to understand the benefits of end-of-life planning. If the decedent’s arrangements were not pre-planned, you can explain to the next of kin how pre-planning can make the process less laborious. If the decedent had a pre-need plan in place, then the next of kin has now experienced how easy the planning process can be. True believers in end-of-life planning are your biggest advocates and providers of referrals; so just ask for them! 

Offer Assistance 

Once your meeting concludes and you have provided next of kin with copies of all the necessary paperwork, make sure to leave them with an open-ended offer of assistance. They are going through a stressful time and as experts on what they are going through, it can be comforting to know that they can lean on us. Hold the doors open for them, make them feel special, and remember that while it may be just another day at the office for you, this can be a unique and horrendous day for them.  

If the process is consistent and shows families that you are doing whatever you can to take care of them, they will look at a negative situation and see it as a positive one. If cemeteries can be seen in a positive light, it will serve to perpetuate interest for generations to come.  

David Line, davidl@tributeinc.com, is general sales manager of the Tribute Companies. He is responsible for driving pre-need sales at the Wausau, Green Bay, and Milwaukee cemetery locations as well as ensuring that all sales counselors maintain appropriate follow-up with all families who have property at company parks.